- Kristen Foreman
He drove me away...and I had to learn to let go
Updated: Jan 28, 2019
I remember sitting on his couch, drinking coffee next to his golden retriever.
He was playing Connie Smith on his record player and I just sat there thinking...
Is this what Love feels like?
I had this enormous feeling of content and happiness.
Up until that point, I had only experienced all of the things that aren't Love:
Infatuation, Lust, Connection, Attraction, etc.
But never the actual thing.
For the first time, I didn't want to be with anyone else.
He took my breath away when he looked at me. He kissed my forehead. He had tattoos and an old car. He held my hand and his fit perfectly. He made me smile like a goof. He had the best laugh and slicked back hair. We met playing music together in Downtown Nashville.
All of the cheese.
I mean, C'mon!
That's only stuff outta the movies, right?!
My Danny and Sandy dreams from Grease were coming true.
Life was peachy baby!
He made me feel so significant and so beautiful.
And most importantly, safe.
I finally felt comfortable completely opening up to someone and being totally honest.
Totally Vulnerable.
But Love is euphoria...until it isn't.
When it turns into real heartbreak, it's the most sinking feeling in the world.
So along with experiencing love for the first time, I also experienced what real heartbreak felt like for the first time.
The kind of heartbreak that makes you not want to leave your couch.
You know...the one that makes you cry the 9 hour drive home for Christmas as you listen to sad music the whole way to make yourself feel worse.
Then you pinch your cheeks and tell yourself to get your sh*t together.
You feel like you are gonna be okay as you walk inside your childhood home with a fake smile and your sweet Mom immediately sees through the BS.
"What's wrong?"
*Sigh
We always hope that there is a reason that we have to cross paths with certain people.
That the hurting wasn't all for nothing.
We hope that we can take away from it and grow.
I think I did.
I hope I did.
Three Things:
I had to fully accept that he didn't love me back.
That sucked. A lot.
I kept making excuses because I didn't want it to be true.
"Maybe he just needs time"
"He's probably just freaking out because it's a lot to take in"
*Sends him ice cream with a cute note
"That'll surely fix everything"
HA!
*Re-reads the texts for the 50th time, trying to decipher some type of morse code in between his words
At first, I didn't respect myself enough to let go.
The longer I held on, the more and more I hurt myself.
I was still trying to give him pieces of me
(*cue Ashlee Simpson)
but I needed to be taking the pieces back because they weren't meant for him.
I kept thinking about how amazing it was before and ignored all of the negative that was presently happening.
My brain wouldn't stop asking questions:
What should I have done differently?
Why am I not good enough?
Was it all just an act to try and charm the pants off of me?
Why did he have to pursue me in the first place?
How is he being so insensitive?
Why isn't he having as hard of a time as I am?
How is he not even blinking an eye while I sit here crying?
What about all of the nice things he said?
This little voice in my brain that wasn't there before kept getting louder.
I felt completely psycho and pathetic.
I wasn't acting like myself at all.
I was one of the worst versions of "Kristen Foreman" that I could possibly be.
It was like the episode in Spongebob when he forgets his name.
I was not going to get the answers to those questions so it was important that I stopped asking them.
It was simple. He didn't want to be with me.
I needed to respect that, grow some balls and move my sweet little buns along.
When it is the right person,
I will not have to beg them to love me back and ask them to keep me in their life.
I had to take a break from dating.
I dove right back into an old fling that I had no business being in.
I should have been focusing on myself and allowing room to heal.
But instead, I called up the guy that was always there for me when I wanted him to be.
I used him until I felt better again and I ended up hurting him in the process
because I was hurting.
He didn't deserve that and I still regret the way I treated him.
I had to stop being angry.
I held a lot of anger towards him for a long time.
I was mad at him for not wanting to be with me.
How silly.
I shouldn't be mad at someone for the way they feel.
I was also mad at him for never really giving me any closure.
But at some point, you just have to give yourself closure and holding a grudge is pointless.
I didn't fully move on until I realized this.
Eventually, I thought about him less and less until one day I didn't at all.
Many apologies to my family and friends for making them attend my pity party multiple times.
It's funny what time will do.
These days, I don't trust just any ole lad with hair gel that comes along.
Just kidding. Sort of...
At the time when I was hurting, I did what I always do.
I wrote a song.
This one was the kind that wrote itself.
It was like one in the morning and the words just came flying out.
I honestly never intended on recording it or showing it to anyone, for that matter.
Mainly because if you know the guy in town...well, you know who the song is about.
Oops.
I went full on T-Swift and we all know where that got her....I think I’m willing to take the risk.
But I played it for my brother one night and he was real quiet when it ended.
Immediately, I nervously blurted out "I know, it's kind of a dumb song"
And then he stopped me and said,
"No, it's one of the best songs that you have written"
After that, I decided to start playing it at writers rounds in town.
I've gotten a lot of response from this one and it's a lot of peoples' favorite of mine.
I wanted to release it in the most intimate and creative way that I could come up with
because so many people have related to it and I wanted to do it justice.
Thank you for always listening to what I have to say.
If you are trying to let go, I hope it helps you like it helped me.
This one is called Falcon 63.
To Stream or Purchase 'Falcon 63' follow this link:
https://www.kristenforeman.com/falcon63
***Lyrics
He said I looked like an angel in my pale blue dress
Standing on my front porch for that first date
My cheeks turned pink and I couldn't think of anything to say
So I just wrapped both my arms around his waist
And then he drove me away
He said we gotta take the backroads cause this thing'll start to shake on the interstate
We could've been going ten miles an hour and that would've been okay
Cause I wanted that night to last for days
As he drove me away
In his Falcon 63
Sitting in the passenger seat
With my hands folded on top my knees
Riding through a city full of heartbreak and dreams
I should've been praying to God for mercy
In his Falcon 63
He said that ole fashioned looks good on you
Holding my drink at a table for two
The check came and we went to the parking lot
Not ready to move I didn't know what I was getting into
In his Falcon 63
Sitting in the red leather backseat
With my legs folded on top his knees
It's like he came straight out of a Hollywood scene
Listening to Call Me the Breeze
In his Falcon 63
I couldn't tell if the lines around his eyes were there from years of laughing or crying
His walls stood tall, it's like he didn't see me at all when I said I wouldn't give up, he didn't put up a fight
He said you don't want to be with me
And after all my pleading I knew then that his answer wouldn't change
My cheeks turned pink and I couldn't think of anything to say
So I just wrapped both my arms around his waist
And then he drove me away
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